So, on August 22 2012 Imma be Mrs. Jasmine Amanda Coffin. I know this is the right decision I love Jeff with all of my heart. I need him in my life and he really does complete me. We have an amazing relationship. It’s perfect. Idk who else I would rather be with. He’s my perfect match. I’ve never really had such strong real genuine feelings for anyone like this before. I try so hard for him. As long as he’s with me I’m happy. He’s the best. He’s perfect. He’s my big strong sexy man.
Things are kinda fishy lately. Idk everything just seems so unreal. We got in a fight today, but it’s okay, it happens right? It was kinda shitty. I couldn’t say anything without you getting mad at me even if I agreed with you. You said I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. You said all this sweet stuff. But you brought up how this wedding doesn’t matter much it’s just so we can combine our insurance and shit. But you said you wanna marry me cuz you never wanna lose me and you want me in your life forever. So idfk. Alls I know is we’re gettin married bitch. (:
I try to stay calm but I get overwhelmed.
I try to believe, but my life’s fuckkin hell.
I try to be happy but I can’t cope with this.
I try to not love you but I get lost in your kiss.
I try to have trust but I always get fuckked over.
I try to be lucky but I can’t find the four leaf clover.
I want to be free and get out of this mess.
I want to love myself but I always think of myself as less.
I don’t know where I’m going but I know where I’ve been.
Alls I know is we’re all the same in the end.
You say you wanna hang out almost four hours ago and you still aren’t here. You’re with your mom who you said you weren’t gonna talk to again. Your mom who said she would turn you into DHS if your grandma didn’t buy her Ciboxon. Your mom who chose meth and pills over her children. I know she’s your mom but she’s a nutcase. She got all up in MY face and told me I was evil and that I made you selfish and a bunch of other bullshit. Me your best friend. Who has known you since you were one years old. Who has always been there. Who hardly ever has blown you off or used you for shit. I love you. You have blown me off for your stupid fuckking ex boyfriend or whatever your status is sooo many times. I just put up with it. You did my drug of choice that I went to treatment for in front of me and then passed out on my bed because you were too fuckked up so I had to sleep on the couch. You’re turning into a shitty person and I hate it. I want my old best friend back. Who would stay up with me and watch Grease. Who would paint my toenails for me. Who would go swimming with me in your backyard. Who had matching Hello Kitty sandals as me. Before drugs got involved. Before we got tangled up in guys. I want you to quit being so addictive and immature and naive. You think your life has been so shitty and you tried saying I haven’t gone through as much as you have. Just cuz my mom wasn’t on dope when I was growing up and just cuz I didn’t get taken away fromm my mom. You said all I’ve gone through is my mom dying and low self esteem. Idk why no one in my family believes I got abused. My mom called me a slut when I got raped and said if I closed my legs tbis shit wouldn’t happen to me. I got decked in the face for coping an attitude. I would get beat for hours and called a stupid whore and a bitch when I was like three or four years old. She almost hit me with a pan cuz she was out of ciggarettes. I got called fat every single day of my life. I got called so much shit and got hit so many times by not only my mom but everyone I was super close to guy wise except Cody Jack and Jeff. I got abused… my life isn’t worse than yours by any means but yours isn’t worse than mine either. It is just gonna keep getting worse if you don’t get out of the enviornment you’re in. If you don’t quit the stupid shit. But you’re “not an addict” you’re “just having fun”. Ha those are addict excuses. You’re an addict dude you just haven’t accepted it yet. I hate seeing you like this I just wish it would go away. Maybe if I died you would give a shit and realize how your lifestyle affects me.
Keep calm and smoke two joints. That’s the motto. Fuckk YOLO. Sometimes when drugs aren’t the answer though, and you’re at your lowest point, and you feel like God is out to get you. Just know, you have friends. Someone loves you. You might not think so. You might be at the bottom of a bottle with a 12g to your head. But stop. Keep calm. And remember. Someone loves you. I love you. I don’t know who you are and I don’t know your story but I will listen. I’ve been there. I used to cut. I used to pop pills. I’ve tried to kill myself so many times. I’ve been raped. I’ve had hella parent problems. I know what it feels like to lose a parent emotionally and physically. I used to live in what is now a trap house. I’ve watched people kill themselves because they were so addicted to something. I know what it is like to feel like there is no end to the pain. I know what it feels like to lose someone you trusted so much and now don’t trust at all. I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. To lose faith. To hate yourself. I know what it feels like to be the drunk girl at the party. I know what it feels like to be in a room where no one and I mean NO ONE likes you. I’ve been through all that and sooooo much more you don’t even know. Just be calm. And hit me up. I can help you. I promise. Just don’t die please. It’s not worth it.