So, on August 22 2012 Imma be Mrs. Jasmine Amanda Coffin. I know this is the right decision I love Jeff with all of my heart. I need him in my life and he really does complete me. We have an amazing relationship. It’s perfect. Idk who else I would rather be with. He’s my perfect match. I’ve never really had such strong real genuine feelings for anyone like this before. I try so hard for him. As long as he’s with me I’m happy. He’s the best. He’s perfect. He’s my big strong sexy man.
Things are kinda fishy lately. Idk everything just seems so unreal. We got in a fight today, but it’s okay, it happens right? It was kinda shitty. I couldn’t say anything without you getting mad at me even if I agreed with you. You said I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. You said all this sweet stuff. But you brought up how this wedding doesn’t matter much it’s just so we can combine our insurance and shit. But you said you wanna marry me cuz you never wanna lose me and you want me in your life forever. So idfk. Alls I know is we’re gettin married bitch. (:
I try to stay calm but I get overwhelmed.
I try to believe, but my life’s fuckkin hell.
I try to be happy but I can’t cope with this.
I try to not love you but I get lost in your kiss.
I try to have trust but I always get fuckked over.
I try to be lucky but I can’t find the four leaf clover.
I want to be free and get out of this mess.
I want to love myself but I always think of myself as less.
I don’t know where I’m going but I know where I’ve been.
Alls I know is we’re all the same in the end.
You say you wanna hang out almost four hours ago and you still aren’t here. You’re with your mom who you said you weren’t gonna talk to again. Your mom who said she would turn you into DHS if your grandma didn’t buy her Ciboxon. Your mom who chose meth and pills over her children. I know she’s your mom but she’s a nutcase. She got all up in MY face and told me I was evil and that I made you selfish and a bunch of other bullshit. Me your best friend. Who has known you since you were one years old. Who has always been there. Who hardly ever has blown you off or used you for shit. I love you. You have blown me off for your stupid fuckking ex boyfriend or whatever your status is sooo many times. I just put up with it. You did my drug of choice that I went to treatment for in front of me and then passed out on my bed because you were too fuckked up so I had to sleep on the couch. You’re turning into a shitty person and I hate it. I want my old best friend back. Who would stay up with me and watch Grease. Who would paint my toenails for me. Who would go swimming with me in your backyard. Who had matching Hello Kitty sandals as me. Before drugs got involved. Before we got tangled up in guys. I want you to quit being so addictive and immature and naive. You think your life has been so shitty and you tried saying I haven’t gone through as much as you have. Just cuz my mom wasn’t on dope when I was growing up and just cuz I didn’t get taken away fromm my mom. You said all I’ve gone through is my mom dying and low self esteem. Idk why no one in my family believes I got abused. My mom called me a slut when I got raped and said if I closed my legs tbis shit wouldn’t happen to me. I got decked in the face for coping an attitude. I would get beat for hours and called a stupid whore and a bitch when I was like three or four years old. She almost hit me with a pan cuz she was out of ciggarettes. I got called fat every single day of my life. I got called so much shit and got hit so many times by not only my mom but everyone I was super close to guy wise except Cody Jack and Jeff. I got abused… my life isn’t worse than yours by any means but yours isn’t worse than mine either. It is just gonna keep getting worse if you don’t get out of the enviornment you’re in. If you don’t quit the stupid shit. But you’re “not an addict” you’re “just having fun”. Ha those are addict excuses. You’re an addict dude you just haven’t accepted it yet. I hate seeing you like this I just wish it would go away. Maybe if I died you would give a shit and realize how your lifestyle affects me.
Keep calm and smoke two joints. That’s the motto. Fuckk YOLO. Sometimes when drugs aren’t the answer though, and you’re at your lowest point, and you feel like God is out to get you. Just know, you have friends. Someone loves you. You might not think so. You might be at the bottom of a bottle with a 12g to your head. But stop. Keep calm. And remember. Someone loves you. I love you. I don’t know who you are and I don’t know your story but I will listen. I’ve been there. I used to cut. I used to pop pills. I’ve tried to kill myself so many times. I’ve been raped. I’ve had hella parent problems. I know what it feels like to lose a parent emotionally and physically. I used to live in what is now a trap house. I’ve watched people kill themselves because they were so addicted to something. I know what it is like to feel like there is no end to the pain. I know what it feels like to lose someone you trusted so much and now don’t trust at all. I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. To lose faith. To hate yourself. I know what it feels like to be the drunk girl at the party. I know what it feels like to be in a room where no one and I mean NO ONE likes you. I’ve been through all that and sooooo much more you don’t even know. Just be calm. And hit me up. I can help you. I promise. Just don’t die please. It’s not worth it.
-Get married (who knows when, gotta plan this shiiii)
-Go to DMACC for Business Management
-Have kids (two. Lucy Kay and Kiefer Riley Coffin)
-Get a carrrr (either a Focus, a Charger, a Challenger, or cuz I’m gonna be a mommy probably a small SUV)
-Oh I also need a license
-Stay sober from heavy drugs
-Get rid of negative people in my life
-Work on myself on top of all this and stay a positive person
-Be the best wife I can be to my amazing hubby
-Be successful as fuccckkkkk
Purple lean, your bitch on my team. I’m so loud I cause a scene. Smokin potent rollin green. Flyist nigga you’ve ever seen. The motto YOLO don’t mean shit. Here’s a bleezy, take a hit. I’m livin life the way I like. Gettin wired over night. Fuckkin bitches hittin hoes. Yeah I’m a freak, suck my toes. I gotta man don’t need another. You’re just mad I fuckked your brother. Killin motherfuckkers with the rhymes I spit. You jus nothin lady cuz you don’t mean shit. I’m the only girl in a snap back. Yeah I got a fat rack. And I’m on the fast track. To makin millions, holla back. Don’t fuckk with pills I’m strictly ganja. Rest in Peace to my mama. I love you mommy I miss you so. I’m sorry you thought I was a hoe. I’m just havin fun no need to stress. Now I’m engaged to the best. This is all freestyle please take notes. Redneck yacht club, we just don’t got boats. I’m fat I know but I got nice tits. I’m fuckkin done with stupid shit. I gotta jet got shit to do. You and your “boyfriend” should get lost too. Deuces.
I Hate This Town It's So Washed Up, And All My Friends Don't Give A Fuckk
Your whole fuckking life got fuckked up because of Oxycontin and you still procede to do them. My whole life gott messed but because of them and you offer them to me and do them in front of me. I’m addicted to Klonopin, and you persist to take a shit load in front of me and make me crave that feeling I once felt everyday but can’t have anymore and even though I still say no you still offer. Even after I fuckking overdosed. I spilt my heart out to you about my addiction and it feels like you’re rubbing it in my face. Klony’s were my best friend when you and your brother were to fuckked up on amphetamines and opiates to give a fuckk about my life. After my brother became someone I don’t wanna know anymore because of this drug you persist to bring me around it casually like it’s not a big deal. You watched someone die and you still wanna do the thing that killed them. Your best friend died because of benzos and you do those too. You claim you’re not an addict and that you’re just having fun but the first step to addiction is denial and how can killing yourself be fun? Me and your brother your fuckking best friends went through treatment for this shit and you act like it isn’t a big fuckking deal. You took so much Klonopin you blacked out, and then passed out. And now you’re on Oxy’s today tryna get shrooms and you think this is a healthy lifestyle. Even after your fuckking parents chose drugs over you? I’m sorry but I don’t fuckking understand your addiction. You’re my best friend and I love you, but c’mon now. Wake the fuckk up and realize what you’re doing to yourself, and me. I thought you loved me. I thought you cared. You’re letting your addiction control your life and I’m just watching cuz I can’t lose my best friend. But I’m afraid it will take your life too. But I’m a pussy and I don’t wanna start controversy. But idk what to do anymore. You practically fuckking live with me for fucks sake. You aren’t yourself anymore. I saw the real you for a second then you got back on this dumb fuckking path you keep getting trapped in. It sickens me. I love you. But you need to stop….
I love my familyy but I’m sick of their bullshit. I’m sick of pill addicts, absolutely sick of it. I hate how they act I hate how they talk. I don’t wanna be around them any fuckking more. I just want it to be me and Jeff and Alexis. But noooo that doesn’t fuckking work. It always has to be some crazy fuckked up pill head puttin their two cents in. Getting all up in my face and shit. Fuckkk. I hate people.
His smile makes everything inside of me melt. The smoothness of his face draws me closer to him than any sexual connection ever could. The curve of his hips that go to his pelvis makes my desire for him grow stronger by the second. When he kisses me I feel like the only girl in the world. His hugs can cheer me up faster than any narcotic. When he holds my hand I feel special. When he picks me up I don’t feel like a fat ass I feel light like a feather because he can do it with such ease. When he holds me I know I’m the only one he’s thinkin about in that moment because he’s the only one I think about ever. His eyes are strong eyes he might look stoned all the time, but if you look at his actual eyes you see strength and all the pain he’s been through. His arms and legs are strong. He’s not built like Ronny from Jersey Shore but he’s got muscle tone and it’s sexy. His butt isn’t huuugeeee and it doesn’t stick out very far but he has a nice butt. He just doesn’t wear jeans that accentuate it. His feet are larger than mine and they make mine look like a little girl’s, same with his hands. His nose has lumps from when it got broken, but they’re adorable. He makes me melt with every word he says and he always knows how to make me happy. He makes me feel like the happiest prettiest smartest girl in the world. I don’t want anyone else, and I know he means it when he says forever because he’s genuine. I love him with my soul and my heart he means so much to me (: <3
So, my fuckking cat’s gone. Like gone. I thought it was safe where it was but it wasn’t. I’m so pissed. Jeff moved out cuz his shit was gettin stolen too. Now he’s living somewhere much better. But it puts him farther away from me ): but oh well I’m glad he’s somewhere better I hope his friends follow because he needs friends and they’re better off here too. I love him so much and I hate that all this drama is in our life. I wish we could just like be just us and escape it all. I wish things were different but they aren’t. I miss my kitty and I fuckking am soooo mad about this. But I still have Ciara and I presume we are gettin her to live here and she will be safe here unlike what we thought about the last place. It will all get better soon I hope. I love him so much.
I know I’m in love because everytime I look at him I don’t see anyone else but the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I see an infinite amount of tomorrows, I love you’s, goodnight’s, and hello’s. I get giddy everytime he looks my way and when he stares into my eyes my heart melts. He’s the only one in this world who truly understands me. He accepts me and all of my flaws. He loves everything about me and he makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world. He makes me feel like the only girl in the world. He’s so beautiful, perfect, and respectful. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more. He’s everything I could ever dream of having. I don’t want to know where I would be without him. He’s my favorite boyfriend, my favorite cuddle buddy, my favorite squish. I love him with all of my heart. He’s perfect. He treats me so good. I knew from day one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him because he’s legitimately perfect. I don’t want to be with anyone else for the rest of my life and he wants it too. He loves me, and he shows me and proves it to me, and tells me every day. I love Jeffery Allen Coffin, forever. Legit forever. His forever is all that I need<3
Boyfriends and fighting together do not equal good things. Now he won’t purchase my alcohol because I missed out on a legit time to get it because of what we fought about. I feel like he’s trying to punish me forever instead of letting go of the problem. I wish he would forgive me completely but I understand why he’s mad. I fuckked up. And I’m an addict. I just wish everything would be okay again and be normal. I wish our relationship was acceptable. Sometimes I really hate my life.
I feel like until you are living and in a fully commited relationship with your partner you are forever alone on this trip we call life. It’s one thing to be in love, but what’s love without commitment? True commitment involves seeing someone multiple times a day, waking up to them in the morning, and going to bed to them at night. They must fill up your soul and make you feel as one. And when your love is strong enough it will transfer into another being that is a little bit her and a little bit you. Who would be my Lucy and my Kiefer. And when you love each other that much that you can love another part of both of you together, then you have found your place on Earth. Love, love, love is all ya need. <3